Sam fucking Allardyce though

It’s been nine days since Sam Allardyce was appointed England manager and I’m still unable to process it. My therapist suggested creative writing as an outlet, so I wrote the following short story, inspired by Big Sam’s appointment.

“I would like to book myself in for Complicated Brain Surgery, please.”

“Certainly Sir! You’re in luck; we have one of the world’s foremost brain surgeons available right now.”

“Oh yes?”

“Yes! He’s so good, he was voted World Surgeon of the Year three years running by What Surgeon magazine. Now, let me just see when Monsieur Camembert is available…”

“Camembert? Umm, have you got someone else?”

“Okay… let’s see. Ah, this chap is so good with a blade he was the technical advisor on Edward Scissorhands!”

“Awesome! Let’s have that one!”

“Senor Manchego can do-”

“Manchego? Let’s try again.”

“Uh… Herr Weisslacker is so skilled with a knife he’s the only man outside Japan qualified to carve fugu fish…”

“Look. I really want someone English. I don’t care how good they are, they just have to be English.”

“The only English surgeon we have is Bob Smith.”

“Good. Let’s have him.”

“Blind Bob, the other surgeons call him, because his eyesight is so bad.”

“That’s fine.”

“You do know that only trims bunions though? He never actually qualified from medical school.”

“Meh. A technicality.”

“He’s a recovering alcoholic. His hands shake so badly, his signature looks like Tony Blair’s polygraph test.”

But does he drink tea with five sugars and talk about the weather? Does he refuse to eat prawn cocktail crisps on the grounds that they are ‘fancy foreign muck’? Does he assume that all foreigners can understand him as long as he raises the volume of his voice to the correct level? In short, is he English?”

“Yes.”

“Then he’ll do.”

In what way would you like to disagree with me?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s